Reset

Tim, Bill, Jim, Mary and Susie.  Birthday dinner for Jimmy August 18, 2021.

I spent some time the other day reading and editing what I spoke into my phone those last few months of Jim’s life. I would go for a walk and try to spew out whatever it was that was going through my head. There is a lot about how sick he was and people coming to visit and the last coup[le of times that he got out of the house to see friends before he just couldn’t do it anymore. I wrote about those last few trips to the doctor and the upcoming chemotherapy that had been scheduled.

After I had spent some time with it I closed my computer and walked away. Is it all too much to put into a post? Or even five posts? Are those the kinds of things I want to share?

I think they are. After all, this whole blog was conceived around the idea of dealing with cancer directly and truthfully, but maybe I am still too close to the subject matter. Maybe I’m not quite ready to share my most intimate thoughts. They will keep.

One thing I wrote that I will share from that time is my concern for my own well being. I don’t think anyone who knew me well or loved me and Jimmy could have missed the trauma we were living through. It seems a fog now, but then it was very real. You always hear about people who take care of a loved one or simply live through traumatic times who end up being sick afterwards. All of those emotions kept inside, hopes and wishes unfulfilled.

So I do my yoga and practice relaxing breathing and try not to drink all the wine in Lincoln and still, recently I have been plagued with aches that I didn’t have before. The balls of my feet were swollen and tender, my knees no longer wanted to do the stairs. My back has been as achy as it has ever been. Tylenol has become my new best friend.

After I read that bit in my diary. I decided it was time for a reset. I needed to acknowledge what was going on in my body and take control of it if I could. I know, I’m close to seventy and aches and pains go along with that, but not these.

So I have acknowledged all of the pains. (Elizabeth will appreciate that!) And since I have the luxury of time, I slept. I breathed through the contracted muscles and the clenched jaw. 

I did my yoga and I slept some more. I made sure my shoulders relaxed and my neck wasn’t carrying the weight of the world and I slept some more. I’m not saying I have cured myself, but I feel so much better. I’m pretty sure this will now be a practice I continue. As we all do, I need to be mindful of all the ways my body handles stress. I have all the tools I need for a reset. I just need to remember to use them.