regrets

I think that we can all agree that regrets are as unavoidable as they are ridiculous. I have always been a bit ridiculous, so I do have regrets. I can’t possibly list them all here. That would be morbidly self incriminating. And the list would be too long to post.

When Sean was here last weekend we agreed that Jim would have put the kybosh on any type of regret we might have. He literally would have told us to stop, there is no reason for any one of us to feel bad about anything we did or did not do. And he would be right, of course. Yet still, what the mind accepts, the heart can always override.

Regrets and questions linger. No one could have kept Jimmy from dying. If the doctors at the Med Center couldn’t do it, we certainly couldn’t have. But could I have paid more attention? Could I have made him more comfortable?

I realized this week that my biggest regret is not being more present for him. While he was busy dotting i’s and crossing t’s for me what was I doing? I honestly can’t remember. He would say that I was washing and mowing and taking him to appointments, etc., but now I feel that I should have been at his side constantly, the house and lawn be damned! Of course that would have driven him crazy!

This is one I literally don’t have the answer to. I will keep trying to figure it out. I will try to listen to my head more than my heart. I will continue to remind myself that Jim would have hated that I have regrets. Of course he would have. This a really hard one, but I will figure it out in time.