December 12, 2020
Isn’t this a happy photo? Jim and I were taking our favorite trail through Wilderness Park and we came upon this structure. We joked that when I kicked him out of the house he could live there!
This morning Peggy Olson came to my house and packed up most of Jimmy’s clothes to take to donate at the Good Neighbor Center in Lincoln. Bless her heart. I could never have done that by myself. Bill took some sports things on Saturday. Again, I could not.
And I cried. I held his sweaters to my chest and buried my face in them and cried. I’m crying as I write this. How could I not?
I am learning that living with tears and emotions right at the top of my conscientiousness is not as bad as I might have believed. The fact that sometimes there is nothing I can do about it may have something to do with that! I just never know what kind or even off-handed event will set me off.
Like when I took Jim’s phone number off the Ace Hardware Rewards Card and attached mine in its place. I could barely walk out of the store! I had to finish my cry in the parking lot before I could drive home.
Yesterday the young woman who was doing my mammogram sweetly asked me what Christmas plans I had. Poor thing, she never expected controlled weeping as an answer. I am sure she wanted to give me a hug, but she remained calm and continued her job. People are really so very kind.
Last week I accidentally came across an insightful YouTube video. It was from The University of California. The speaker was a woman named Natasia Josefowitz. Google her. She is quite remarkable. She had recently lost her husband and, being a curious sort, decided to do some personal research into loss and grief. She compiled her notes into a book, “How to Live Without the One You Can’t Live Without.” Isn’t that a great title?
It was just the video I needed. And the book will be too. She talks about the stages of grief. (And the repeated stages of grief!) And she makes sure you understand that there is really no right or wrong way to grieve. I believe her.
I am comforted by my friends and family who are all making sure I spend my first Christmas without Jim engaged and entertained. I don’t know for sure how it is going to go, but I am sure there will be more than a little weeping. And I am okay with that. It’s okay.