What a fun day that was! The Gang hit as many local Tasting Rooms as possible. Note the papers on the table. We rated the beers as we went. I have many photos from this day. The final one is of all of us sitting around Cerny’s table comparing notes and anointing a winner. By then they all tasted the same to me!
March 10, 2023
I am getting stuck again. I feel it coming on. I think of where we were last year, how sick he was and how brave and patient. I dread St. Patrick’s Day. I think I’ll treat it like Christmas and stay home. I think of the calendar and know that his death day is nearing. And I get stuck. I can neither go forward or backward. I sit trying to remember to breathe, unable to think a single rational thought. I am sad, but mostly I am just stopped in my tracks.
One of the books I was given has a section called, “You can’t recover from death.” Ha! When I first read that I thought it meant, Look guys, no one is coming back from being dead. If you are dead, you are dead! What the section actually discussed was the lingering effect of a loved one’s death on the survivors. I understand it either way.
Then I was actually coming to grips with the reality of Jim’s death again. I know that may sound crazy, but it is true. This was in December or January. Even though I am very cognizant of the fact that my husband is dead, sometimes I get the feeling that he might be in the other room watching TV. Or, on occasion, in that split second before I truly wake up, I forget he’s not here.
From what I have been reading this is not uncommon. It’s quite a normal part of grieving. And if you want to know the truth I long for those moments of forgetfulness. I don’t mind those milliseconds of relief from heartache.
But that’s not even what I mean by re-realizing that he is not coming back ever. It’s very difficult to actually put into words. There seems to be no correct verbal explanation. Like coming to grips with the concept of eternity or the vastness of the cosmos. Some things are just hard to wrap your head around.
But I am not crazy. I understand fully that he is not in the other room watching TV and he never will be again. And I get sad and I get stuck.