Today is Elizabeth’s birthday. Happy Birthday Deed! She took Jim to her favorite beach on one of his visits to Seattle. Look how happy!
There has been a long-standing misconception by our friends that I am a nice person. As I told Jimmy many times, he was the nice one. He would just smile, partly in acknowledgement and partly because, how do you respond to a statement like that? Plus, it was one of those things we said to each other, like when he would ask me, “How’s my favorite girl today?” And I would respond, “She’s in Seattle living her best life!” A lovely little verbal tease.
But I have proof now of my original assertion. I can be very unkind.
Case in point:
A huge, beautiful yew hedge stands in the back of our property. I have spoken of it before and even posted a picture of jimmy standing in front of it. He loved to go in there with clippers and cut out dead branches when we would have an outdoor fire. It was calming for him, a sort of Zen thing. I would tell him, “Don’t you cut too much, Jim Cunningham!” and he would assure me that nothing would destroy that hedge.
He didn’t anticipate this.
I am not good with measurements, but I am guessing those yews stand 20-30 feet high and the same amount deep in places. They have provided better privacy than any fence you could buy. There is an old playhouse on the west end and toward the east end secretly engulfed in the shady arms of the thing, Jimmy built me a lean-to for firewood.
I am sure it houses at least four bird families; robins, blue jays, cardinals and sparrows. And maybe a family or two of chickadees. It provides safe passage of any number of other creatures including our neighborhood foxes and skittish rabbits.
To me its breadth turns my back yard into a sanctuary, a safe space, a private space, a place of refuge and protection. At least it did.
I noticed a few weeks ago that my neighbor to the south had cut out oh so many yards of it. I now can see straight into their back yard; therefore, they have the same view into mine.
I ran through emotions like a knife through butter; shock, horror, anger, and then utter sadness. My sanctuary has been invaded. I pulled up a lawn chair and had myself a real good cry.
Then a neighborhood girl climbed inside it to fetch out an errant toy. The offending neighbor and I watched her, he standing in the clearing he had made and me standing amidst boughs I will never cut. I was speechless.
Before I go any further I want you to understand that I am fully aware of how bonkers it is to be upset over a stand of 50-year-old yews. But to me they represent privacy, peace, sanctuary and oddly enough even Jimmy. And to further excuse my bad behavior I must make another admission. This is the week of the second anniversary of Jimmy’s death with all of the emotions that entails. It hasn’t been a terrible as last year, but it didn’t arrive without costs.
I was working in the back garden to take my mind off things and I look up and see my neighbor cutting more, more holes in my hedge.
My blood boiled and I went crazy. I ran up to confront him. What was he doing? Well, he was done now. Why? The grass on his side needed sun. Sparks flew in my brain. Fucking grass? You ruined my hedge for fucking grass!
Yes, I was temporarily insane.
The rest of the very short conversation is screwed up in my muddled memory. I’m sure it wasn’t pretty on my part. I do remember yelling my last epitaph as he disappeared into his house. Great! Now they had better keep their windows closed, because I could see into their house as well as they could see into mine!
That statement is completely untrue, just so you know.
By the time I had traversed the hundred feet to where I had dropped my tools I was sorry. What the heck was wrong with me?
I am calm now and still sorry for cussing at the fellow, but I am also still so very hurt. And I still can’t reconcile the fact that my home and sanctuary is changed forever because of …grass.