Gosh, I love these lilies. I wish they came up in May and lasted until frost! Alas, it is not so! But the do come back every year and when they do I try to enjoy the heck out of them! They are known my many names, but I call them surprise lilies!
I was having a conversation with a friend last weekend during which among many other things we spoke about illness, death and bereavement, in the sense of – as a friend or acquaintance – what to say? How to express our condolences, either during the illness or after the death if that is what it leads to, in a way that is both meaningful and comforting. I know that I have always had questions about this. Am I being too personal? Or not personal enough? Quite frankly I have more than once asked myself if I am saying something that is just plain stupid.
Of course, we talked about Jimmy’s illness and death. My friend was really wanting to know (as we do at such times) what to say. I have to make it clear that I was surprised by the questions, as I observed this particular person speak to Jimmy on visits with complete honesty and candor. And Jim responded with appreciation and honest relief. There was no mincing of words or beating around the bush. Just two good friends being honest with each other.
He wanted to know if there were things that people said to Jim during his illness that were unintentionally rude, or unwanted, or out of line? After Jim died, same question. This, of course, was solely for the purpose of making a mental note to stay away from those kinds of remarks himself.
Were there things that people did that helped? That hurt?
I had to think about this for a while. I don’t remember anything like that specifically. People around me were so kind and supportive. And I realized even then that the few things that might have bothered me were probably because of my frame of mind and not intentional ill will on the part of any well-wisher.
During his illness if any of his friends said anything other than loving supportive things to him, he did not report it back to me. The fact is, they didn’t, they wouldn’t.
As you can tell I have been giving these questions some thought this week and I have come to a very interesting conclusion.
What helped me the most,
What sustained me and my family,
What softened the blow,
Was not just the love and care shown to us, but the tremendous outpouring of love for Jim Cunningham. The load was shared by so many and therefore lightened for us.
What a revelation! I am grateful and thankful all over again. And I will try to let this influence my own actions going forward.