about wasted time

Isn’t this just a perfect picture of Jim? I took in in the June of 2019. He was feeling good. He felt pretty recovered from the winter of treatments. There is hair under that hat, but not much! He was happy to pose for me. I don’t like having my picture taken. I’m not as bad as some (Natalie), but I always look uncomfortable. And don’t get me started on selfies! But when I look at pictures of Jim, or people like my good friend Mac Thompson I see the confidence they have in their smile, heck, in their whole face. I was staring at a photo of Mac this past winter and suddenly it came to me. His face in all of the photos I ever took of him or any that I have ever seen plainly says to who-so-ever is looking at it, “I love you! And I know you love me!” I think Jim’s frank stare into the camera says much the same.

Neither man waisted time pretending to be someone he was not. How marvelous is that?

I had a conversation with my daughter, Elizabeth, today and one of the things we talked about was wasted time. Now hold on, time spent with friends, or with a good book, or walking in a forest is not what I consider wasted. That is time perfectly used. 

I’m talking about the time and energy we spend holding grudges or letting an argument linger. I loved my husband from our first kiss (that’s a good story) but oh my gosh could we both hold a grudge in our younger years! That was so much time wasted. And it took us years of marriage to really talk things out. When we did everything immediately became so much better. I think when we got to that stage I finally realized, not just on the surface, but for real, that he really did love me and I really did love him. I remember that being quite a revelation. A very good one!

When we found out about his first cancer time wasted on stupid things just kind of melted away. Certainly because we didn’t have any time to waste on silly stuff and also because, why would you? When he was finally feeling better after his grueling months of treatments I’m not sure we ever had a real argument again.

There was a time after my heart surgery in 2016 when I was unkind for sure. I am so sorry for that. I intend to cover that in a different post. But other than that I don’t remember any of those silences or days without speaking that — didn’t we all have?

This past winter, yes, months before he died, he was laying the floor in the laundry room. We had a disagreement about the best way to floor around the drain. It lasted about 15 seconds. He did it my way! 

In fact, mostly, the past few years he just thanked me for taking care of him. No thanks necessary.