Three Anniversaries Later

I have a hard time not taking photos of these beauties year after year. They are just so stunning!

Three anniversaries have passed since Jim’s death. I am not nearly the same woman I was after the first one, and I am not the same person I was the day before, or weeks before. I am sure that I am saying this all wrong.

This is why I haven’t written in my blog for so long. I get an idea, a theme if you will, and as I write about it the thread twists and tangles and then frays into nothing. Even this analogy doesn’t quite sum it up.

It’s like I lose track of the point. What was the point?

The point is that I have changed! And still I am the same old me.

How I have changed could fill volumes if I had the presence of mind to track them all. Obviously, I do not or this wouldn’t be so hard.

Elizabeth and I were talking about relationships when I recently visited her in Seattle. It was a beautiful day, Mother’s Day actually, and we were walking through her pretty neighborhood. She is a relationship coach so it is a subject that often comes up. We discussed that part of the end of a not-so-good relationship, after the veil of love or lust has been removed and you are able to actually see the other person or the relationship impartially. Or as clearly as your friends saw it. You can be stunned or surprised as the love inverts itself by an impartial examination. But the point is you see it clearly now for what it was or what it is.

The blinders are off. You think to yourself, how did I not recognize what was right there to see?

That’s the kind of clarity that grief has given me. It’s like a veil that I have been wearing all my life has lifted. Not concerning Jim’s and my relationship. If anything, I appreciate him more and more.

It is so hard to put into words. But it is something like knowing or realizing or beginning to see my place within the human race. Humanity. Becoming able to witness my life dispassionately. Recalling past events, good and bad, with a different kind of perception, with forgiveness and love. With less judgement and more gratitude.

Healing from the deepness of my grief has soothed my soul. I truly don’t have all the words yet to give a proper explanation. Maybe I never will. I will keep trying.

I begin to understand the opportunity of aging as well. With this kind of loss, that we have all had or will have, I am sorry to say, we enter into another kind of solidarity with each other. I certainly mean with our friends and family. Here’s a toast to those with whom we are lucky to have shared memories!

I also include the old man sitting in his truck at CVS while his wife goes in to fetch a few things. And the young couple wheeling their new baby around the block who stop to chat. And the lady at the grocery store firmly planted in front of the dairy case taking her time deciding just which of the abundant choices meets her needs this morning. And, and, and…

I feel as one with them. (I don’t feel as one with the speed demon who cuts me off in traffic. I have to draw the line somewhere!)

So, anyway, I have all of these thoughts and they string together and overlap and I write trying to straighten them out into some recognizable shape. Sometimes I succeed. Sometimes I just keep trying.